Oh mi.  It has been so long, and Diary I have been able to go without your for so long, but tonight, I just really feel the need to write out these dreadful feelings that stick to my insides like Wonder Bread and JIFFY peanut butter.  There is just so much to tell you and I don't know if I can thoroughly give it justice.  I feel like I've left you in one world and now am trying to describe to you this new one. 

Lindsay said last night that she thinks that she is bipolar, being nothing but sarcastic.  But, I think that people in general wonder if they are bipolar.  I most certainly think that I am!  Earlier today I was so happy about where my life was directed, and then somewhere about mid-day everything just seemed to take a teatering stance with happy moments in between and now I am crashed.  I heard somebody say this the other day, that we should be happy that we have emotions and feelings because it reminds us that we are human.  Is that supposed to make me want to be a human, or make my thankful that I am a human.  I suppose that it really should thinking more about the positives of being a human. 

But Diary... man.  Why!? 

I have strayed a lot away from God over the past two or three years.  I went down to Florida this past spring break for a missions trip and while we were there we did our daily devotions.  It was the best thing that I have done in the past three years.  It started that I would do my devotions because everyone else was doing them... I gotta love my personality, and then I really liked what I was finding.  I have never had a really good devotional life.  

On my trip I realized that I wasn't the happy person that I used to be in high school, and I started thinking about why that is.  I kinda made a check list in my mind of the things that I was then and what I am now.  I felt that one thing that was consistant was the level of gossip and my ability to love everyone.  I realized that the major thing that had changed about me was that I put a lot of people down.  I decided that it was time to change that.  Another reason why I have decided to work on that is a girl that I like.  Stupid, but whatever makes you do what you need to right? 

So coming back from Florida I've really been striving just to keep my devotional life.  It is a lot stronger than it ever used to be, but it seems to be slowly dwindling, which scares me, but I'm not gonna let it die.  I feel like I just lied, but it's what you and I want to hear.  But, I feel like just the whole presence of God and the whole subject of God really has me excited.  I feel like I've just found Him. 

I just got back to my room from the Breakaway events in the PSU.  This is a good factor for why I'm a little depressed right now, the other half is to be explained.  I went down to be "social" and failed misserably.  Who have I become?  I didn't really have any friends down there, and I didn't really care to talk to any of them.  I partially was proud of myself that I didn't only because I thought that it made me more safisticated or independant that I didn't need anybody there. 

Now that I think about it though, I realize that maybe it's not that I don't have any friends is a question of who I have become, but rather maybe I'm just getting ready to move on, that is away from campus.  The more that this year goes on the more that I realize that my personality has changed and that I'm not so much a big group person, but rather I meld better with smaller groups and love to spend time with people one on one or maybe in a small group of three or four... five works too! 

This is the reason that I liked xanga.  It really helps me sort this stuff out. 

My music is on hold at the moment.  I need time to sit down and write out some lyrics.  I have a lot of music but no words to go with them.  I'm feeling slightly disconnected with my music right now.  Sad.  I'm so sad. 

Lastly... The least of my sadnesses, but also one of my greatest.  The girl that I'm interested in.  The past two weeks I hadn't spent a lot of time with her just because she has been really busy.  In that time I was seperated from her I had forgotten what it was like to spend time with her and thought maybe I really didn't like her the way I thought I had, but I still reserve that part of me for her.  And each time that I'm with her it's like it just rears up again, and I'm all head over heals.  I'm slightly frustrated.  I'm trying my hardest to be patient.  I haven't seen any time for me that would be perfect to make my move.  She's not interested in any guys, which is a relief, and I don't believe there will be any in the future just from what I've found out about her and where she stands right now.  In the spring she will be studying abroad, so there's that bump in the road, and then when she comes back she may not be living on campus but rather in columbus... which makes the one bump a massive hill.  So, I don't know.  She doesn't know how I feel about her and I keep wondering whether it will be a good idea to maybe tell her or not.  She's just come out of a pretty nasty ending relationship, and she's turned one guy down... I just don't know if my timing is right... but I'm feeling it's not.  And if I don't tell her now... will I ever have the chance to tell her again!?!?!  That's what I'm really worried about.  Have you heard the new John Mayer song, "Say"?  It's all about saying things now that you will regret not saying later in life if you don't have the oppurtunity.  Honestly I just want to call her and tell her, but I'm sure that would be really wierd and not be recieved very well.  DANG!  I hate girls... 

Persueing sucks so badly.

On the good side of things.  We are applying for a house to live off campus next year and its' a really nice little place.  That's really my only excitment right now.

It has been soooo long since I last updated.  But, I just really feel like I needed to get on here and just really get this all off my chest.  There's really nobody that I want to bother with this directly so I'll will indirectly tell the world my issues. 

First off, there's this girl.  Remaining nameless... I don't want to risk her knowing that I like her.  She's awesome.  Everything that I want.  Funny, Kind, Brunette (which I wonder... is that a french word?), Beautiful, A Woman searching for God, and just so fun to be around.  At first I wondered if I would like spending time with her... but I've found that I have.

I've been reading "Boy Meets Girl," by Joshua Harris, who for a long time I thought was a over-traditional man writting nonsense books.  But I gave it a try and it talked such wisdom to me.  It was exactly what I wanted in my future relationships.  Friendship first, than dating (courting whichever), then engagement, and then marriage.  Obviously there is a clear step between each of these, however; I feel that a lot of people have skipped the friendship stage.  It's just important to me, I don't think I could get to know somebody comfortably enough to date them without knowing them as a friend. 

So, I've been putting the book to practice.  It talks a lot about patience and how if you ask yourself "Would I be hurting the girl by telling her how I feel?" kinds of quesitons is wise and practical.  So, I held off.  I didn't want to say anything.  I've been holding my patience waiting for the right time.  I wanted to give it a while though because it didn't really seem that we were hitting it off as friends so much until just recently.  But, something has changed the whole situation.

She is getting invovled with another guy.  So... I ask myself... What now?  At first there were a couple interjections about this guy from her friends... and I knew that there was something going on... I just didn't want to accept it at first.  But eventaully it all came crashing down on me after we had hung out and she had invited this person to stop by her apartment.  When he came it was just me her and him... I was sitting on the couch next to her reading a art book while they interjectedly were talking.  I felt awkward and felt I needed to leave them alone so I went to my "apartment," which really meant "I'm gonna find something else to do."  Haha!  Now I see them together a lot. 

I'm not totally crushed though.  And maybe this is where I'm wrong.  But I'm just holding onto the hopes that maybe this won't work out and that maybe this isn't to be, that maybe I'm the one and this relationship here is just going to break down and then I'll have my chance.  I'm saying this all so bluntly and I don't mean it to sound so creepy or expectant on disaster for the two of them.  I think it's just my mechanism of assuring myself that everything is going to be okay.  It's just so wierd that I'm not upset about all this.

Today... I definately feel the phrase, "want what you can't have"  I thought about it in Spanish class and said to myself  quiero lo que no puedo.  Sad but true.  So, we went to this thing after dinner.  I had dinner with this particular girl in the caf...  Afterward we went to this thing in the chapel... and I asked her a question and she whispered in my ear... I've never felt this way about a whisper in my ear... I wanted to die right then and there... I just melted to her voice... her lips near my ear... we were so close... I just wanted to turn and kiss her so badly...  Wow.  It really was that amazing.  And that's what I needed to get off my chest.